It is time once again for the results of the biannual Tory leadership contest.
Tomorrow, Conservative Party MPs will convene in the grim halls of Castle Ravensblood to perform that most sacred of rites: appointing a new high priest to their order, and announcing to the public who will star as the main character of the United Kingdom in the coming years, months, weeks or perhaps even days.
Sure, the three most recent Tory leaders have had to “resign in disgrace” after “irreparably damaging the country”, or whatever other dangerous liberal nonsense you’ve been fed. But this time it’s going to work.
If you have reservations about handing the country over to the exact people who have been ruining it for the vast majority of your adult life, fear not. I’m here to tell you why the people who have appointed themselves your social betters are best positioned to continue ruling over you in perpetuity.
They’re just like us: Tories are often stereotyped as privileged, out of touch ghouls who never need to work an honest day in their lives because they have all the wealth of the world handed to them the second they graduate from Eton. But that isn’t true. Some of them are women, and Eton doesn’t admit those.
In truth, Tories are just like you and me. They might seem like alien creatures from a planet made of gold and acid, but I assure you, they put their £500 Prada shoes on one foot at a time, just like us. Rishi Sunak has even gone on record to extoll the virtues of cultivating a social circle made up of friends from all different walks of life. Some of his friends are aristocrats, some of them are upper class and some of them are even working class. Well, not working class. But still, a lot of his friends probably have boats, and that sounds pretty cool to me.
They know how to tackle the real issues facing the UK: After the economic uncertainty of Brexit, the war in Ukraine and more than 170,000 British deaths after a borderline farcical pandemic response, it’s important that leadership hopefuls stay laser-focused on the important issues facing the UK today. That’s why the next leader of this country needs to be prepared to be on the front lines in the endless war against being nice to people, as they stand best positioned to stamp out “woke nonsense” and “ever having to acknowledge trans people again”.
Sure, we’re on the brink of an economic collapse overseen by the very party these candidates are fighting to one day chair, and their only attempts at solutions to rising inflation have resulted in what Rachel Reeves has called “chaos, distraction and unfunded fantasy economics”. But think of all those woke students! Laughing at you, as they bask in a youthful vigour that to you exists only as a distant memory of better days tinged with longing and regret. Who needs food when you have spite?
They’re dedicated to fighting for your* rights (*some limitations might apply): If you’re worried that the rescission of Roe v Wade in the US could spark a domino effect that will eventually cause abortion to be heavily restricted or even criminalised here in the UK, don’t be. Both Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss have each cast one vote in favour of abortion rights, before subsequently demonstrating what the British Pregnancy Advisory Service calls a “pattern of abstention when it comes to the issue of abortion”. Still, one is better than zero. And babies are nice!
But hey, those are just women’s rights. Women make only up a tiny fraction of the UK population, and it’s important not to be sidelined by minor issues. What about human rights? Well, Liz Truss has signalled a readiness to withdraw the UK from the European Convention on Human Rights should she deem it necessary, so that isn’t ideal. But hey, those are just human rights.
They’re ready to make the hard decisions: Liz Truss recently said that she’d be happy to launch a nuclear war that would probably end all life on planet Earth, and she said it with the detached, emotionless tone of a person to whom human life is at best barely an afterthought and at worst a perverse inconvenience. I don’t really have anything to add to that, I just thought it was worth bringing up. What a girlboss!
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What other choice do you have? This is a rhetorical question, obviously, as any attempt to seriously explore the answer will result in being shouted down by the political “grown ups” who clearly have our best interests at heart.
But seriously, what other choice is there? This is your life now: an endless string of aristocrats stumbling their way into positions of unimaginable power and influence. They are to us as gods, bred to oversee a nation of serfs whose only purpose is to act out a never-ending play in which they are the sole protagonist, leaving only on a day and a time of their choosing, to be replaced by the next in line to deem it their birthright. Choice is an illusion that grows less convincing by the day.
Join me next week when I explain why billionaires are funny and cool.